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"Hard is not hopeless." - General David Petraeus

Monday, August 6, 2012

At War With Myself

I wonder lately if my blog posts make it seem like I am drifting.

In a way, I feel that I am.

More accurately, I feel like I'm at war with myself.

There are two of me (be very very afraid) *-)

There's the me that wants to be hard-driving, push it for all it's worth from before the first crack of dawn till the stars come out at night and then some.  Work, writing, teaching Sunday School, health nut, Arizona Explorer, plus the other wants--banjo, painting, drawing, reading, etc etc etc.

Then there's the other me.  The one that yearns for simplicity.  Easy days, few responsibilities.  The one that wants to actually be able to BREATHE, enjoy life, and relax.

I feel like I'm living in a world where "Simplicity Me" can't exist.  Like I'm a dinosaur just waiting to die out and be replaced and forgotten.

Society, at least as I'm observing it, IS hard-driving, push-push-push and fall into bed exhausted.  You get more "stuff" done this way, to be sure.  But it grinds you to the bone.  At least it has me.

On the other hand, for a time, I'm living in "Simplicity Me" mode.  No writing.  Just going to work each day then working on my health the rest of the time and managing to carve out enough time to work with the Junior Highers each Sunday. In another 3-4 weeks, I'm going to have the privilege and honor of hiking once again which is going to take up a good chunk of my Saturdays, as it's the only day I'm free to hike.

This month, I'm beginning discipleship training with two of my students, and I can't wait to see what we learn from each other as we do the daily devotionals and study God's word.  This is important.  Every moment of God's words and ways both student and teacher breathe in has eternal value.

But I can't do discipleship training while living in the "hard driving mode" that society expects (and that I expect of myself, if I don't want to die as a dinosaur).

Hard-driving mode killed my creative urges.

Simplicity Me mode doesn't allow time to exercise creativity, even if, in the end, it rekindles my creative urges.

Hard-driving mode not only kills creativity, it kills thought process.  You need time to think and process.

Simplicity Me mode allows time to think and ponder--at least in more leisurely spurts of time.

Is this Solomon's striving after the wind?

I feel I can't function in either of those modes.  But what other way is there?

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